Well here I lay, unable to sleep on a night before an open-to-close shift with another following. I wonder why I am not sleeping but on the other hand I wonder how I ever could be. I lay here, my mind clouded with thoughts of life and goals. Suddenly playing Solitaire and listening to the Album Leaf isn’t a good enough fall-asleep activity. Most of the time I feel as though I need to relax, like I’m rushing into grownupedness. Sometimes not… Sometimes I think I need to get a more careerish job. Sometimes I feel like at the ripe age of 22 (almost 23) I should move out of my parents home. Sometimes I think I need a girl to help me feel that way.
It was only a few weeks or minutes ago that I realized that I’m chasing a feeling. I’m chasing a feeling of a fictional word I like to call grownupedness. It was just then that I realized I don’t even know what that means. What am I really chasing? Maturity cloaked in a new robe I call grown-up? How do I know what maturity is? Why am I chasing it? Maturity isn’t gained in seeking. And I’m so young, why do I need to hurry so to be an adult and closer to the end of my life?
“What do you want, child” says the Father. “To be happy forever with you Daddy!” “You will” the Man says “but first you must know how to get there.” The boy doesn’t understand; “but Papa, You’re already here, I don’t have to go anywhere!” The Father eases him “Yes, and I always will be, my son.”
I feel somewhere close to the place I thought I was about three years ago. I thought I had it figured out. Life was there in front of me; I had the world on a string. I knew the place, the way, the woman. I had it all. Boy was I a fool. If there’s anything I’ve learned since then it’s that I will never get it all, not like that, not all at once. I feel close though, like something big is going to happen for me soon. If I can just seek Him, He’ll show the way. In my mind I see it being there and it’s so fitting and perfect; my purpose. I won’t have to lie awake here at night with my restless head full of thought. I won’t wake feeling groggy or tired wondering why I allowed myself to go on thinking for so long.
Father, I think I finally get it. You’re never going to be from my side but a path exists; I must walk it. All I have is to shake free the clinging demons and pick up that big block of wood. I’m ready. I’m ready to carry it with me. I’ll find You. It won’t be tonight and probably not tomorrow or the next month or next year but I will find You. I know You’ll be there right beside me if I should ever need help with it. You’ve always put in my head these grand thoughts of beauty and love. I see these incredible mindscapes You’ve painted. I think I’m ready if You will have me.
I can’t do without You.
I think it's very interesting to see where people are in their walk with God. The levels are so different. Man, it sounds like you're in a sticky situation. It's hard discovering yourself, in fact I think I downright hate it. But, coming out of a funk is so refreshing and it's worth it all isn't it?
ReplyDeleteTaking things day by day is a pretty good strategy I suppose. I'm so excited to read more of your posts. I miss xanga... kinda lol, but I'm interested to see your growth!